Castle – Halsey 

​This year has been a very rough ride towards flawlessness. I couldn’t even perfectly describe how this year went through. With all the misfortunes and misadventures I’ve been, this year has been overwhelming. I failed in class, I lost a friend, I lost the chance to run for a position in an academic organization I was eyeing ever since I was in high school, I disappointed my parents and my professors who knew me for my father; everything was a mess. I overthink a lot, I miss sleep most of the time; I panic and lose myself in the process. I thought I was doing just fine but I wasn’t. Somebody told me I should have a journal. They didn’t know me well. 

On the other side, I was a little bit glad how I slowly recovered from my mishaps. I appreciate those people who has been consistent since day one, those people who stood up for me throughout my battle. They never needed to know what happened in detail but they were there, always. Even when others looked down on me, they were proud of me, they never doubted me. And so, maybe, my 2016 wasn’t bad at all. I thank God for blessing me a family and a circle of friends who adore and support me no matter what. They’re one of the many reasons that’s making me stay, making every single thing in life bearable. I just hope 2017 would be less offensive. Kidding. I’m still looking forward to what’s in store for me, to better things. 

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Breathe – He Is We

​I never dreamt of taking all the credit that’s for me because I know to whom the credit is due. But it sometimes sucks having the need to be great, no, to be the best. Sometimes I wished I had a different family name then, only then my professors would never compare me with my father. I think it’s only unfair that they’re seeing me through my father. If I did well at exams, they’d tell me “Kaya ka naman pala magaling kasi tatay mo siya”. And if I failed they’d say “Para kang hindi tatay mo. Ang galing galing kaya ng tatay mo”. I’m tired, exhausted, and I just want to lay down every day. I just want to rest like I’ve been working all day. Because honestly, it’s been hell having to hear these comments. Lately I’ve been accepting, accepting, accepting, accepting and accepting more disapproval from my professors, from most people. Why can’t I be different with my parents? It’s like every waking day of my life; I have to prove them wrong. Sometimes I wished I wasn’t even born at all for always disappointing my parents. I don’t want to be somebody else’s daughter because I feel lucky to have them as my parents but I keep on becoming a burden to them and I don’t want that. They aren’t even seeing how I’m struggling everyday having to face my professors with so much expectation ahead of me. Maybe that’s one of the many reasons I didn’t even consider studying in PUP. I just didn’t want to be comparing to them. Is that too much to ask?

Don’t Wanna Know – Maroon 5

​Sometimes I wonder how things would turn out if you were still here. Would I have been happier? The thought of you just won’t let go, the thought of us happening just won’t let go. I couldn’t. It’s been three years and I’m still counting more years, it’s funny that I’m still waiting for you to greet me on my birthday. I never stopped counting. Because the last time you greeted me on that special day, everything was where I wished it would be; it was perfect. What if I was wondering for no reason at all? What if I was reminiscing for something that never really happened? What if all of these just didn’t make sense? I’ll never know. And I’ll always want to know.  But you wouldn’t let me.

An Open Letter to the One Who’s Struggling

​Dear You-whos-striving-harder,

You’re probably wondering right now whatever happened in your life, what went wrong between those sleepless nights you were trying to understand a certain topic or a previous lesson in class, what made you think for one second that you weren’t good enough to pass, you wonder as time goes by whatever’s going on at the moment inside the four corners of your room, staring at the ceiling with burning eyes just waiting, waiting for a miracle, longing for better things life has to offer despite of having faced so many hitches these past few days. 

When all you ever think to yourself, “Was this the path I hoped for?”, “Am I better off disappointing people?”, “Will there ever be a chance for me to rise up again?”. It’s tough, I know. Perhaps, you cried a lot of tears already since yesterday and you still can’t accept the fact that you just failed one subject. You decided you were done with life because what’s good, you just keep on worsening and disappointing yourself. But then you remembered how giddy you were back in high school when you knew you got accepted in your college, you realized how close you are to fulfilling your dreams. All of a sudden you thought about what you’ve been telling your father when you were still a child, that you’re gonna be an Accountant; you’re going to live your purpose, your ambition.

Though it may seem that people can’t see you striving, not realizing how much effort you put in everything you do. You are passionate and always willing to learn. And they will even tell you how grades won’t define you. Now I’m telling you, it will; the only thing is you won’t let it. Even if people see so much greatness on students who get a passing grade even “1” and look down on students who get a failing grade. You won’t let them use it against you but I’m sure they’ll judge you for that. Some people always will. And my dear, never let that sink in. Take it as a wakeup call, maybe; that you were made for greater things. You’re going to make yourself and your parents proud because my dear, there’s so much potential in you; even if you fall short sometimes, even if you alone can’t see it. 

          From The-one-who-failed-many-times

Three Cheers

I have more paper works to do, books to read and probably a lot of exercises and problems to solve because unfortunately our midterm week’s not yet over. But here I am, feeling miserable and nostalgic at the same time for the same stupid reason I’ve been bearing for the last three years. Three years, it is. My mother would probably scold at me if she sees me not doing anything or even reviewing for my exams. But what the heck, this was what I’m always good at, bleeding through pages every word that’s meant for you and you wouldn’t even know. I was always good at hiding my emotions. I was always good at ignoring you in person and never got to talk first. And yet, I’m bluntly saying what I’ve felt for you like saying those fucking three words you thought I did out of habit when everytime I’d tell you those words, it scares the hell out of me. I was afraid that the person I’m loving today is the same person I could lose and the hardest part was loving him still despite of it all.

To The One Who Used To Be My Happy Pill

Happy 18th Birthday, Babs! Yeah, remember that name? We used to call each other that way. Guess, it’s something to remember no matter how cliché we were back then. Time may have passed but I can still recall those moments where I felt that what we had was something worth looking back, or so I thought. We had something special and it’s fine if you’d deny it. But it’s your birthday; it’s such an embarrassment talking about myself. So let’s talk about you? What’s going on with your life? Have you been performing well in school? Did you gain weight? Or maybe lose even more because of all the stress; I know there must have a lot going on at the moment. It’s sad that I cannot talk to you anymore because I know you’d ignore my messages. Because of what happened, right? But man, it’s been two years. Hell, it’s been 2 years and I’m still stuck in here. But hey, give a chance (again) to greet you. I’m just going to greet you. Let’s begin this letter by saying thank you, thank you for all the times you made me incredibly happy, for appreciating someone like me. I would never even thought for a second that someone would appreciate me. Hell, I’m a mess. But with you, I was a beautiful mess. You’d always call me pretty I was almost convinced it was my name. Was. What a stupid word. Though, what’s been going on with my mind right now, yes up until now, is that I only hope that you have also felt what I’ve felt about us; that it was real.  What we had was real. I thought we’re in the same page in which we can be happy for each other. But hey I’m happy for you. Confused already? Me too. Should I ask for forgiveness? Yes, maybe. Because even if I didn’t hurt you the same way you did to me, it must’ve been really hard for you to get along with a person like me. Sorry, for causing you pain. I don’t even know how to end this. Some words are meant not to be told anymore but I’m sensing you know what I mean and if not then maybe we really don’t understand each other anymore. 2 years, get a life, self. So, Happy Birthday, T! I’m still here and I don’t know why.

Pagod Na Akong Umupo

Ang tagal ko nang hinihiling na ako na lang sana
Kasi pipiliin kita kahit hindi ako maganda
Kahit hindi kasing puti’t kinis ng balat ako ang balat niya
Kahit ang haba ng buhok ko’y umabot pa hanggang paa

Ang tagal ko nang hinihiling na ako na lang sana
Kasi pipiliin kita kahit hindi ikaw ang pinakagwapo
Kahit milyun-milyong lalaki pa ang ihain ng mundo
Hahanapin kita saan mang sulok ka nila itago

Ang tagal ko nang hinihiling na ako na lang sana
Kasi pipiliin kita kahit minsan ‘di mo na magets ‘yong sarili mo
Handa akong intindihin ang bawat bagay na gumugulo sa isipan mo
Sasamahan kita sa bawat byahe ng buhay mo

Ang tagal ko nang hinihiling na ako na lang sana
Kasi pipiliin kita kahit hindi ka pa sumisikat
Habang ‘di pa handang mabasa ng mundo ang ‘yong mga sinulat
Na sa gitna ng bawat pahina mo piniling ikwento lahat

Ang tagal ko nang hinihiling na ako na lang sana
Kasi pipiliin kita kahit tingin mo’y sa lipunang ito’y wala kang halaga
Nandito lang ako sa tabi mo kahit para sa iba’y wala kang kwenta
Sabay nating pangarapin na balang araw pangalan nati’y makikila nila

Ang tagal ko nang hinihiling na ako na lang sana
Kasi hanggang ngayon, mahal, ‘di pa rin ako nawawalan ng pag-asa
Pag-asang darating ang panahong sa akin mo na ibabaling ang ‘yong mga mata
At magiging ako na ang paksa ng ‘yong mga sinusulat na tula’t kanta